if i were you

i still look outside my window
searching for a sign that you exist
my heart crosses its fingers with each glance
just to see your car parked on the street
looking, spying, checking
if i'm awake

or at least see you drive by
like a stalker in the night
for just a glimpse of my shadow
or seeing my light on at 2 in the morning

or see your unmistakeable figure
walking towards me and waving a hand
like it hasn't been four days
since i last saw you

or at least talk to my neighbors
to ask about how i am
and who i've been with

i want you to obsess about me
and watch me from an obscure place
as you write convincing letters
and desperate poetry

i want to feel your eyes behind me
when i'm walking
to the vending machines
or getting something from the car

i want the foreboding presence
of your shadow
to linger while i drive
where i swear
i see your car following me

i want the thought of me
to drive you mad
so you circle my street
U-turn after U-turn
just so you can feel
close to me

because that's what i'd do
if i knew where you were
only i wouldn't have left
and you wouldn't need to spy
because you wouldn't be alone
looking out the window
for me