writing facade

i only write poetry
when i'm depressed
the kind where
i'm at the bottom of some hole
i'm filling it
with words
painted in feelings

in poems
when my heart is breaking
they are the painful screams
of my heart
that travel to my brain
then burst into fragments of poetry

when i'm in love
poems escape my lips
to my lover
i don't need to write it down

out of love
i document my grief
because i don't think
anyone really wants to know
what a sad girl
i've become

the counting game

i count the hours for your call
because i know you can't stand
this long without talking to me

i count the days of your silence
and know any second now
my phone will dance and sing
to let me know you miss me

i count the weeks
as i count my weakness
which include you, waiting
and a stupid phone

you used to need me
and i realize i can count
all i want
but i could never
count on you

if i were you

i still look outside my window
searching for a sign that you exist
my heart crosses its fingers with each glance
just to see your car parked on the street
looking, spying, checking
if i'm awake

or at least see you drive by
like a stalker in the night
for just a glimpse of my shadow
or seeing my light on at 2 in the morning

or see your unmistakeable figure
walking towards me and waving a hand
like it hasn't been four days
since i last saw you

or at least talk to my neighbors
to ask about how i am
and who i've been with

i want you to obsess about me
and watch me from an obscure place
as you write convincing letters
and desperate poetry

i want to feel your eyes behind me
when i'm walking
to the vending machines
or getting something from the car

i want the foreboding presence
of your shadow
to linger while i drive
where i swear
i see your car following me

i want the thought of me
to drive you mad
so you circle my street
U-turn after U-turn
just so you can feel
close to me

because that's what i'd do
if i knew where you were
only i wouldn't have left
and you wouldn't need to spy
because you wouldn't be alone
looking out the window
for me

sometimes

i hate when i sit in the living room
and i hear footsteps walking
towards the front door
though i hold my breath each time
it never does stop to knock

sometimes i want to run outside
to meet you even though
i know deep inside
i already know its not

just once, when i decide
to get up from the couch
can you just be there?
climbing the staircase towards me
relieved that i knew
you were coming

what you left behind

as you drift above yourself
in a stupid high
like a fog that rolls just above the ground
i am chilled by the icy loneliness
that your absence leaves behind
a trail of uncomfortable silences
and frustrated wonderings

as you drive away
further and further from me
the wind runs its fingers through your hair
whipping it across your face
reminding you to love its freedom
i remain stagnant in our room
hoping i go unnoticed
like a missing sock
behind the washing machine

as you conquer every beauty
erasing a piece of me in your heart
with each pregnant kiss
i knock down every door
tear dowen every wall
searching, raging, wanting
to find you
though you were never really lost

as your side of the bed cools off
and forgets you ever existed
i slowly move to the middle
and take up your space
but always leaving just a little room
just in case
this waiting wasn't for nothing

exhaustion

pressed against a sweaty body
my lust rushes to my head
and knocks on its door
it's tired and wants to rest
so it pushes thoughts of you out
to make room
i begin to wonder
who's keeping you warm this night
as this pulsating body
attempts to make it worth the effort

sex without you

gropping, touching, grabbing
at two forty seven on a monday morning
him and i together
secretly wishing
we were with other people

he fights to not scream her name
so he bites my lip to shut up
i keep my eyes closed tight
like pandora's box
afraid of what i may see
if they are opened

because behind my eager eyes
i yearn for only you
and i can't stand disappointing them
with flashes of his face

as he moves
on top of me, below me, behind me
i can think of only you
what you'd say if you knew
would it bring you back?

pointless thrusts push my mind elsewhere
to a time when we used to make love
i make my love for you with him
with every moan, a whisper of your name
is called out from the back of my mind

after he lays tangled up with me
we both cling to a memory
that can't be deleted
i long for your callused hands
smoothing out my body
like crumpled paper
folding me to fit in your arms

this was all i wanted from you
though i lay and pretend
i need it from him
i wonder who he wishes
was in his arms tonight